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I am Salty The Beast. I am what you might call a Renaissance man, meaning I find interest in most every medium. I love watching movies, listening to music, writing music, playing video games, making videos, etc.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


Now here are the bad January movies that we're used to seeing. "Legion" is a bad movie. I would say it's laughably bad, but that would be giving this movie too much credit; there wasn't anything to laugh at. It plays out like a B-movie without any actual B-movie elements. The plot is doofy, but it appears that there is somewhat of a budget behind this movie. With that in mind, it seems like the filmmakers aren't intentionally adding campiness to the mix, but are instead 100 percent behind this redonkulous excuse for a movie. That's the part that scares me.

"Legion" starts with the rebel angel Michael (Paul Bettany) coming down to Earth, giving up his duties as an angel (cutting off his wings), and trying to find some sort of hope for humanity. God has just recently cursed Earth. The film states that just like how God flooded the earth when he lost faith in mankind the first time, now he will do so by sending destructive angels to eliminate all life. Why? Because "he got tired of putting up with all the bullsh**."

Michael comes across a remote diner/auto repair shop inappropriately titled Paradise Falls
(it is quite far from any kind of paradise, and far from anything else for that matter). There he will meet the father-and-son owners, Bob and Jeep Hanson, (Dennis Quaid and Lucas Black, respectively) along with an eight-month pregnant woman Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) who may have the key to save humanity from certain doom. There's another problem that this movie failed to address. All of the characters in this movie are semi-horrendously developed, so when it comes time for these people to face intense conflict, you hardly care about them or their problems.

Anyway, Michael comes across Charlie and tells her that the baby is the one who is destined to bring an end to the curse that has been bestowed on the world. In the meantime, the two Hansons and various other workers and customers in the diner are assigned to protect her at all costs so that the baby can be born. This assignment comes at probably the worst time, because now large amounts of people who are possessed by the vengeful angels are all heading for the diner to kill the baby as well as everybody else.

Now this has to be one of the most boring supposed-horror movies I've come across. There are close to no scares and most of the time is taken up with by dialogue between characters. This could have been interesting if only they had written better characters with some dimension, so I disliked the idea when it came together. Also, when it does actually become interesting, it also becomes obnoxiously loud and the screen will be so bright with white light (usually from headlights) that it is almost blinding (and not the good kind of blinding either).

We've had at least two good movies so far this year: "Daybreakers" and "The Book of Eli." This one has mildly similar themes but fails at them just as much as the other ones achieved those ideas. "Daybreakers" is a better actual horror movie, providing more scares and more fun than this movie had to offer. "The Book of Eli" discussed faith in a way that did not preach heavy handedly to it's audience. This one hardly speaks to the audience and it appears as if it's using faith as a tool just to acquire a bigger audience or set up some mild controversy around the movie. The only controversy it acquired for me is to start pondering my Worst Movies of the Year list.



Anonymous said...

Now I have yet to see this movie, and I don't discount your review, but I never once got the impression that this was a horror film, therefore I would not go into expecting to be scared. The preview shows an action suspenseful thriller, and Angels with Machine Guns. That's what I expect it to be. Now it still may be bad, but I see no attempt to be a horror film here.

Anonymous said...

Not that I disagree with you Salty (this was definitely a horrible movie), but I'm guessing you saw this alone and/or in a full theater, right? This is one of those movies where you need relative privacy so you can yell at the movie and friends to help you make fun of it (i.e., an MST3K type setting). I stayed with my manager, a friend of his, and another coworker for the employee showing of Legion (have to love working at a theater), and it may have been one of the best movie experiences I've had in a while. I would never seriously recommend this movie, but if you and a group of friends are in the mood for a bad movie, this is definitely one to consider.

It's hard to say just what genre this movie wants to be. At times it feels like a survival/horror movie (complete with "zombies," no less), and at others it seems to want to be a kick-ass action movie.