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I am Salty The Beast. I am what you might call a Renaissance man, meaning I find interest in most every medium. I love watching movies, listening to music, writing music, playing video games, making videos, etc.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

MOVIE REVIEW: Vampires Suck

Dang it! I thought we were finally rid of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the two reprehensible knuckleheads behind the spoof movies "Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Meet The Spartans," and (contender for my worst movie of all-time) "Disaster Movie." It had been almost two entire years since we last saw the likes of them. Unfortunately, they had to make their comeback with "Vampires Suck" this year, a clear-cut skewering of the "Twilight" series. Now let me ask a question of my readers: okay, we all know a bunch of people are not "fans" to say the least of anything "Twilight." We all know most critics are not fond of the movies either. We are all familiar with most of the jokes that have been made at "Twilight’s" expense. Do we really need an entire movie to make a point that we are already aware?

Truth is...it is not as bad as I thought it would be. NOW HOLD ON A SECOND! It is still a pointless, tasteless, lazy, laugh-free parody. But comparatively, this film is far superior to most of the other crap that these two directors have put out. As a matter of fact, this gets extra points just because it DOESN’T INCLUDE A FRIGGIN’ TEN MINUTE-LONG DANCE SEQUENCE DEVOTED ENTIRELY TO POKING FUN AT "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL," "DISASTER MOVIE" I’M LOOKING SQUARELY IN YOUR DIRECTION.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I would like to make a few points. Most of my friends this week, after I’d been spewing venom upon this movie in advance, all have the exact same defense why they will go see it: ‘I’ll go see it just because it makes fun of "Twilight."’ Do not be fooled by the title; "Vampires Suck" may be the most offensive jab at "Twilight" the entire movie has to offer. They seem to make more fun of the obsessive fangirls than they do the saga itself, and even then, the jabs are pretty innocuous. Even if you do in fact want a vampire parody, you would most likely want it to dig underneath "Twilight’s" skin in a bitingly caustic fashion. Friedberg and Seltzer are not the kind of guys to provide that level of satire. "Vampires Suck" may as well be paying homage to the franchise, while adding in some non-sequitur slapstick that never works well by itself.

If you have any prior knowledge of "Twilight’s" basic storyline, then you know THIS movie’s storyline as well. The only real change is in the characters’ names: Bella Swan is now Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), Edward Cullen is Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter) and Jacob is now...Jacob?! WTF, mate? Where’s the originality in that?! Where’s the funny? Now then, Becca becomes a new resident in Sporks, Washington, a town where you cannot pass an entire block without coming across a vampire hobo with a sign read "Will Work For Blood," written in blood itself. Becca finds romance with Edward when he saves her life, but he doesn’t accede due to the fact that she is not yet a vampire and thus is not safe. This doesn’t stop Jacob from horning in himself though. Ah, who cares, its just going to end with violent obsessive fangirl backlash anyway.

Most of the quote unquote humor in the film comes from simply appealing to anything and everything that is "of-the-moment." We have a Tiger Woods scandal joke. We have a Jersey Shore joke. We have a Lady Gaga joke. We have an "Alice In Wonderland" joke (that comes out of absolutely NOWHERE). The entire thing riffs on the 2nd most popular series of movies still going on right now (Number one is legitimately the Harry Potter franchise). What these jokes have in common is that they never work. There is no set-up, nor punchline, nor any form of ingenuity to any of it. I might have lost all hope entirely in the state of comedy these days had I not seen the delightful "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" just mere days before (seriously, go see this movie already).

Most of you have probably already made up your mind whether or not you are going to see this anyway, just based on your level of antipathy for the series this supposedly mocks. I may as well be reviewing this movie for a brick wall than for any of you. But really, if you have any facsimile of discernment or reason in your body, you will heed my advice. Do not pay full price to get ripped off. Friedberg and Seltzer had a plan they were sure would get plenty of bandwagoners. Trust me, they did NOT make this movie for YOUR benefit. They made it for the sweet moolah, which if enough people contribute to them, will inspire more crappy spoofs like this to get made.

Fact is, probably the most enjoyment I got out of "Vampires Suck" was reading my ticket stub after I got it back. It read VAMPS SUCK. Was a hipster working the tickets tonight or something? I don’t know, but Friedberg and Seltzer knew they’d have a hit on their hands by making fun of "Twilight." They most likely will, to my dismay. These two are outstanding businessmen, but this film was no different from any other movie directed by the gruesome twosome, just that this one was not nearly as abysmal. "Vampires Suck": not god-awful, just awful.


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