THE ABSOLUTE WORST CINEMATIC CRAP OF 2011 [Part 1]

Why is it that just about every critic I know of absolutely loathes the task of making lists at the end of the year? Is it because they know a ton of people will disagree with the order of their list? Because their lists will cause controversy and debate amongst fans and casual readers?

Well…duh.

Of course not everybody will dig a list that is based entirely on subjectivity. It is all a matter of opinion and the selling point is how well you can explain yourself. I don’t know if I was just born with a different set of genes than other critics, but I absolutely love lists. I like writing them, I like sharing them, I like debating with people about them, I like exchanging my lists with other people’s lists. I love the whole process.

While there have been a surprisingly large number of great movies over these last twelve months (more like the last ten months, because I only gave one recommendation throughout January and February), the amount of super-crapola has also been through the roof. “Green Lantern,” “Sucker Punch,” “The Rite,” and the THIRD “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie were all unpleasant experiences for me, but none of them managed to make my list. I could go for the easy targets like “Transformers: Dark Of The Moon,” “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn,” “Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” and that forgettable Nicolas Cage movie that came out early in the year, but that just wouldn’t be fair. Those AREN’T the worst movies of the year (though if you’re curious, “Pirates” is pretty close). No, you have to dig deep to find the truly repugnant movies. That is just what I did. So without further adieu, I give you number ten through six of The Absolute Worst Cinematic Crap of 2011.

10. THE ROOMMATE

““The Roommate” borrows so liberally and so shamelessly from “Single White Female” that it may as well be titled “Single White Female.””

Taking a hint from aintitcoolnews.com’s critic Massawyrm and reserving the number ten slot for a movie that is so bad that some kind of entertainment value can somehow be drawn from it, I choose “The Roommate” as my number ten. This is one of the most ineptly made thrillers I have seen in quite some time with perhaps the most laughably moronic climax ever. But there’s the key word: LAUGHABLY. Oh my goodness, was this movie hilarious. There is a pivotal scene in which the roommate’s mother asks if her daughter has been taking her medication on a regular basis. When the main girl rummages through her roommate’s drawers to figure out what the deal is, she discovers a full bottle of capsules. Instead of suspecting the worst, she immediately believes that the prescription was recently refilled and that her psycho roommate has been taking the pills all along. Clearly, we’re dealing with the most optimist horror movie heroine ever.

With unintentional laughs, bad acting, lame dialogue, a neutered PG-13 rating, TV sitcom production values and a performance by Billy Zane that makes his cameo in “Zoolander” look like digitized gold (and secretly, it is), there is no mistaking it…“The Roommate” sucks on a gargantuan level.

9. THE SITTER

“In “The Sitter,” you can predict the plot points as soon as they are introduced, you know exactly where each joke is heading, and you can just sense that a superficially sentimental ending will be forced into the last five minutes that will mean nothing to the audience who had been enjoying it up until that point. All the while, it just isn’t that funny.”

Now here’s one that most critics actually got just right in their Worst-of lists. Seriously, David Gordon Green. Whatever happened to making good movies? Sure, I wasn’t one to rave about “Pineapple Express” when it came out, but I will take that mildly entertaining effort any day over the unfunny trainwreck that is “The Sitter.” Just because preadolescent kids are saying vulgar phrases and using profanity does not automatically make it funny. Just because said kids are forcibly brought along on a decadent drive through New York’s seamy underbelly does not equal comedy. Children publicly urinating at a fancy-pants dinner party is not inherently funny (at least not for me). “The Sitter” tries to be a raunchy comedy one minute and a syrupy bonding story the next, but with some of the most maddeningly imprudent little brats ever put on screen, it is about as cuddly as a porcupine.

There is one ingenuous scene here when Jonah Hill’s Noah has a poignant talk with one of the kids about how he shouldn’t repress his latent homosexuality and that there isn’t anything wrong with the kid being himself. That’s noble and bold of you, film. Except you manage to soil that message within the next few minutes by introducing more than a few offensive gay stereotypes for the audience to point and laugh at. Bravo, oh hypocritical comedy. Dishonorable mention also by David Gordon Green: “Your Highness.”

8. THE DILEMMA

“Have you ever noticed when there is a scene in a movie that just feels completely out of place with everything else that is going on? Why was that part necessary? How exactly does it advance the plot? Am I supposed to laugh at what just happened or what? Well, now we have a film that is composed of at least 75 percent awkward moments like that with “The Dilemma,” an almost painfully unfunny comedy that never wastes an opportunity to squander its potential.”

The biggest dilemma here is how you can possibly recover from having wasted two precious hours of your fragile life from watching this movie. I hear some people say that this is straightforward comedy and others say that there is much drama to be considered. Frankly, I didn’t see much of either. The worst part about this failure is that, unlike “The Roommate” which rips off “Single White Female” or “The Sitter” which is essentially an R-rated version of “Adventures in Babysitting,” “The Dilemma” has a GREAT premise. How exactly does a man go about telling his best friend confidently that his wife is cheating on him without crushing his spirits or causing him to become angry? An idea like this could be a gateway for thought-provoking life questions about friendship, marriage, relationships and trust, while it could also explore the psychology of somebody placed in a precarious position.

Yeah, not much of that is present here. Instead we get Vince Vaughn falling into a patch of poison ivy and consequentially getting a bad case of Painful Bodily Function Syndrome. We get Queen Latifah’s unnecessary secondary character spouting lewd sexual remarks at business meetings. We get a burly guy like Channing Tatum crying like a schoolgirl. We get a completely offensive anniversary party for an older couple with Vaughn mouthing off to someone for no reason. With the exception of Jennifer Connelly, every character is so aggressively unlikable and the situations they get into are insufferably stupid most of the time. “The Dilemma” is too ugly to enjoy.

7. I AM NUMBER FOUR

““I Am Number Four” is one of the most offensive things to at least two of your five senses. The only thing I am thankful for is that it isn’t offensive in all three dimensions, as there will be no presentations in the 3D format. Congratulations, movie. You have one good thing to your name.”

Oh boy, where do I start? First off, let me address the lead actor. Alex. Mr. Pettyfer, sir. I know the lady-types swoon over you for being such a good-looking fellow, and I am sure your modeling career is working out well for you. Acting…is not your strong suit. I’m sorry, but it is true.

As for the rest of “I Am Number Four,” it ranges between two types of unbearable. The first type is the first two-thirds of the movie, which haphazardly ties together a graphic novel-sized story in with an unendurably routine origin story, tiresome high school drama and a romance-free romance subplot. Then in the final third, the true crappiness of the film really begins to show with possibly the most audience-insulting, excessive and idiotic finale since “Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.” Yes, I mean that.

Explosions, bright colors, laser beams, handgun shots, ugly dog monster creatures, CGI disappearing effects a la Nightcrawler from the X-Men, piercing sound effects, an obnoxious utilization of a musical score, random occurrences that seemingly come out of nowhere. These are just a few of the torturous annoyances that come about during this time. It is no surprise that the cacophony master himself Michael Bay is executive producer to this abominable number two. Avoid it like a group of malignant Mogadorians.

6. THE DARKEST HOUR

“Somewhere around the time when the gang finally reaches the nuclear submarine and Emile Hirsch volunteers to go back and save a girl, I began to wonder if the local theater was employing brand new torture methods for critics like me.”

On one hand, I am so glad that I saw “The Darkest Hour” no more than a few days ago; this list of absolute cinematic crap would be nothing without the inclusion of this colossal bob-omb. On the other hand, I really dreaded everything else about the movie. This is being advertised as a high-energy action film in its marketing campaign, but I would be incredulous to find out if infants became frightened or thrilled by this tension-free, emotionally cold letdown. The idea of virtually invisible alien invaders isn’t even the worst of the films problems. No. Its worst problems would have to be the one-dimensional characters, nondescript acting, cursory dialogue, the unmitigated lack of spirit, useless 3D technology, and the film’s one-of-a-kind ability to figuratively diffuse the bombs before anybody in the audience starts to go nuts. Not to mention…it is booooooooooooooring.

I had no good material by the time I sat down to write my initial review. There was nothing interesting that went through my head and no fascinating observations I made. I spent a whole paragraph (out of a measly five total paragraphs) discussing an episode of The Twilight Zone that randomly popped into my head that also had to do with alien invaders. I had to REACH for something to talk about. The film certainly didn’t supply me with enough substance to run off on. A shameless rip-off of countless other movies and a complete bore from start to finish, “The Darkest Hour” is not even bad enough to poke fun at. It may be one of the worst uses of your money I can think of.

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Part 2 is coming sometime tomorrow.